I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
