I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
