I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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