I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Will exercising make me less horny?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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