oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
