a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
