I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
