i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
birth control should be required to get into college
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
