i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
