halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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