I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
