she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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