im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
