I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
