where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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