Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
