we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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