Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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