Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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