we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
