last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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