I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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