i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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