AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize