ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
