thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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