Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize