im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Can Purell be used as lube?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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