i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
