Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
