nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
