I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize