Sry I called you an 8
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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