My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
