You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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