listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
