I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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