I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
