dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
