im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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