the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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