when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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