You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
