life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
