Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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