i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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