yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
