so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
