she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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