shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
