when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
