I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize