I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
