you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
