I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
