My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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