How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize