I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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