My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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